Hey guys it’s your girl Precious Odunaiya and welcome back to Precious’ Not So Secret Diary! Today I am back with a written blog. I've abandoned writing for quite a while now and I can feel myself falling back in love with it. One thing I love about writing is that in that moment it really is just an outpouring of my thoughts, thoughts I can frame in the most expressive and unique way. What you will be reading is not structured and dramatised piece but rather a reflection of what I was passionate about at the time.
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Anyhoo, let's get into this blog...
I can speak for everyone and say the last few months have been unfathomable, harrowing and life-changing. The world has been hit with sickness like never seen before and with it, it has taken a toll on the world economically, physically, socially and spiritually.
I can also say that in being alone and isolated from the world, this time has served as one of personal introspection, reflection and learning, both good and bad. Originally, I was going to generally talk about what I have learnt in this period but as I started writing I found myself speaking a lot about relationships and how I view them.
So lets go…
Undoubtedly, with all the COVID-19 deaths and unexpected celebrity deaths that have happened, this period has truly shown me just how fleeting life is. I would firstly like to say that I thank God for preserving my life and waking me up everyday, each and every day He confirms to me that he has a purpose for me and it is a great one. I also send my condolences to those who have lost loved ones, if I could console everybody and take their pain away I would do so in a heartbeat. For those who have just been affected generally by deaths they have seen or heard about, I also pray you find consolation and mentally rise from every sad situation.
After hearing the news of Naya Rivera’s death, God rest her soul, I started seeing life as half empty, not in a ‘life is doomed’ type of way but rather in a ‘tomorrow is not guaranteed’ type of way and this has manifested in many ways especially in how I relate with others.
One way this has manifested is in me worrying more about my friends and just people generally in my life. For those of you who have watched 13 reasons why, season 4 particularly, I used to despise Clay for how much he would ride for his unappreciative friends and felt that he brought a lot of issues onto himself. But now I exactly understand what he did and why he did it. Possessing an increasing sense of the fleetingness of life has meant that I have become more anxious about bad choices my friends make and try to help them but also feeling frustrated and emotionally overwhelmed as my feelings of powerlessness are made profound when they don’t listen.
I am an extreme 'empath' and as I’ve grown, I can see that God has even given me this special gift of empathy but this can be distorted when it is felt in conjunction with negative emotions. What this means is that I feel great sympathy for people and concern myself with the issues of people I love or feel sorry for. I feel like that’s why I also have been drawn to the career path of Law, I have always been and have desired to be an advocate for people.
Moreover, I'm hardly in a situation where I cut off a friend but when I am, I worry if I’m making a mistake which sometimes means that I am in a toxic situation longer than I should be. This is because I also worry that I was meant to be their pathway to finding Christ and that on judgement day God will ask me why I didn't help them. As a Christian, I am also meant to be an ambassador of Christ which is ultimately done by showing love. One way I’ve tried to navigate this fear is by cutting off people in a way where if I was to extend my love to them again, I could do that. What I mean by this is that my closure with them or at least the last conversation holds a degree of respect and love.
I don’t know if you guys can sense my impending sense of worry, and if you can’t here’s a another one, I also worry about someone, as harrowing as it sounds, killing or harming themselves or feeling a great and destructive sense of grief as a result of me severing a relationship with them or even just arguing with them. What these people don’t know is that I actually ask people to check on them or pray that they find consolation. I would like to say that I am actually never the person in the wrong just so you can picture how grand this all is.
Let me now tell you guys how I‘ve tried to navigate myself through all of this.
Firstly, I’ve acknowledged that I have been way too hard on myself. I tend to care, and if not care, worry about people too much because of these thinkings and do not realise that there is a point where I can rightfully say that I have done all that I could do and realise that is sense of duty is a self-imposed one. And even if I can’t rightfully say it, not everyone is tied to my destiny, not everyone is my duty to help or at least to the degree i think. And tbh I feel like I should start asking God specifically about helping specific people as opposed to using the general verses of ‘love all’ to guide my steps. Something just literally dawned on me: to know of my gift and be thankful of it, is not enough, I must also seek the same thing that gave me the gift to know how to use to fulfil my purpose. After all, when the purpose of a thing is not known, abuse is inevitable. What is the purpose of my gift of empathy? Am i using correctly? Am i using it in the right places?
Moreover, I read a tweet which I love so much and will never not quote. This woman spoke about how she was in a good place, whilst her friend wasn't. She also said she was able to have sympathy and help her friend in the way she could without being consumed by her situation. She was able to help her friend all whilst uniquely standing in her own situation and not be intertwined by the other. And I’ve realised this is something that I need to do. I need to learn to sympathise with others and help them in a way where I am not consumed by their issues and don’t harbour them as my own. Because when I don’t it actually becomes mentally draining and my personal emotions are tethered by the actions of the other. And this all goes back to being fair on myself and not being led by ‘glass half-empty’ fear. I guess it’s just so hard with my friends/family because I love them and it makes me passionate about their well-being. But really and truly, once it’s reached that point, I can and should give it up to God.
I guess what I also need to is stop going by vibes when it comes to how I deal with others and process my emotions. There was a tweet that said we should learn how we process emotions so that we are able to identify when an emotion we are 'feeling' is not ours. The way I have understood it and have decided to apply this to myself is that I want to learn how I process, understand and feel emotions so that I can understand that if something outright challenges this, something is wrong or maybe even an avenue to grow and evolve has been presented to me. What situations or people serve as an invasion to my energy, my personal space, my sanctuary? Have I overwhelmed myself so much so that I have left my space and am now travelling through the emotions of others?
One thing I've learnt and come to love in doing doing so, is that the framing of my words do not have to be 'accessible' for all or broken down and in doing so, losing its essence. What matters is that I have safe space to release my thoughts and have a medium where I can be 'more of me' and create a dialogue for those who need it. I've also learnt that what I write doesn't always need a conclusion and that's why today, there will be one: no thought-over charge or advice for you to take away. I just want you to read what I have written and start to do some deliberate thinking of your own. I feel like as humans our understanding is severely limited when it comes to the things we trivialise like behaviour, energy and emotions. It's more than to feel sad or happy or having a certain past, and because I've understood that, I am now making it my duty to explore and eduacate myself in these things.
But I will leave you with a bible verse: "Now eagerly desire the greater gifts. And yet I will show you the most excellent way", 1 Corinthians 12:31.
There is a word used in the New Testament KOINONIA, which means fellowship/partnership. This Koinonia is a supernatural grace endowed by the Holy Spirit onto humans which causes them to lay down their lives for each other, sell their goods to take care of each other and stay together in the midst of trials, with likes of Saul and the disciples being examples of this. (Acts 2) The depths of love that causes people to do this is not a product of passion or will but rather by Dunamis (supernatural power). It's so cool to realise that such love can not be naturally expressed or produced by humans and we need a greater grace upon us. The reason I mention this is because it's crazy to come to an understanding that as standard humans, we do not really know what we feel, how to feel and the complexities behind it- it goes further then I feel this because of xyz and I feel abc when it's actually a, a.1,a.2,a.2,etccc. I think great ways to find out more about this is to seek God and the Holy Spirit, perhaps even exploring just how untethered God's love is by human rationalisation and emotions. maybe do some sociology/psychology reading!! Also very importantly, inquire your brain and engage in an inquisition of your self.
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