I feel like despite my blog being called my “not-so-secret diary”, I haven’t really shared the ‘happenings’ of my mind in how I feel or what I think. This blog is about something very personal, which I am going through, even as you read, and that is loneliness.
Plainly speaking, I feel lonely.
If you know me personally, you will know that I have a lot of friends, but in those times where I am deep and alone in my thoughts and I am going through things, I feel like no one is there for me. This is not a jab at anyone, and thank you to those who do strive to console and advice me, but it is the truth and I wish it wasn’t so. Often, people choose to see my quiet or unusual moments as me being moody but it’s a cry for help and people don’t understand that and, frankly, I don't really blame anyone for that anymore. In a room full of people I’m still ….how do I put it?…
“Hellooooo? can you hear me? can...you... see me?”.
Maybe it’s because I motivate people and help them in times of trouble that people assume that I am 'A OKAY'. Well I’m not: I am making mistakes like you and I am learning things just like you. But of course, l will never fail to rejoice in God because each and every day I am getting closer to that life of understanding, that life of happiness, of love- of living!
I was speaking to my mentor today and she said that it is fine to feel lonely- it is life- but I don’t have to accept it and wallow in self-pity. As hard as it sounds, especially because I deserve people coming to me (LOL), she said that I have to an make an effort to connect with people and make new friends too, she also noted that the same assumptions people have about me being fine are the same I have about the people who I have great potential to cultivate something beautiful with, but because I haven’t tried, I do not know. My favourite bit about what she said is that the ideal friend that I, and most people, have in mind does not exist and it is damaging to pursue the fulfillment of that idealism- I will never be ‘satisfied’. I need to breathe, stop worrying and stop trying to control things.
Loneliness is not a nice feeling and in wallowing in it, I am simply hurting myself, it doesn’t solve anything. There have been times I have isolated myself and life has just gone on! I sacrificed my sanity, my peace of mind and my time in the name of making a statement and no one changed- nothing changed. As much as I don’t want to be, I have to be a solution to something some people have the privilege of not going through and I will do it- like a classic bih(lawl).
Dr Caroline Leaf (my WCW) says, “Isolation is linked to a number of dysfunctional immune responses and increased blood pressure, which impact our overall well being. In fact, researchers saw that people who were lonelier produced more inflammation-related proteins in response to stress than did people that were more socially connected, which are associated with numerous conditions including coronary heart disease, Type 2 diabetes, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s disease”. I am way too gifted, way too hard-working and have far too much potential to let that happen. So I will try to go out of my comfort zone and change my situation- transform this feeling I am 'fighting'. I don’t really know if this blogs makes sense but this is how it is pieced in my mind- in fact, I wrote this blog on the bus convinced it was something I had to post today- but bit by bit it will all come together for me. If you feel like I do, talk to me on my blog, join a club, do something out your own comfort zone, just don’t let loneliness engulf you because even though you don’t deserve it, your situation will continue to be the same.
Finally, ask if I’m okay every once in a while even if I say I am fine, I would love it. Thank you for reading.
"If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.” - Jean-Paul Sartre (my new favourite quote)
"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruins, but there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother"- Proverbs 18:24
"For our light affliction is for a moment" - 2 Corinthians 4:17
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