It's me lol. Well, it's you too, but you get the point.
I am writing this letter to you today in the early noon of 12 December because I can't sleep and things are laying heavy on my heart that I would like to... let go?
As you, I have seen you slowly wash away in the tides of life and day by day, you have struggled to stop yourself from drowning.
It started with A levels. Maybe after primary school, that bubble you were held in of being one of the brightest and most able began to disintegrate and though you were in a grammar school, you always felt at the bottom. And you didn't know what to do. You kept swimming and swimming but the tides of 'averageness' kept tugging you back into the water.
It left you in a constant cycle of self-condemnation.
Like babies who don't walk at the usual age of 1, you see, your discipline kicked in late and this meant you were swamped with work to catch up and with this came anxiety. Anxiety of failing that meant you worked tirelessly at the expense of your spiritual relationship with God.
On one hand, your spirit was emptying and you were getting further and further away from your Heavenly Father, but it was your A levels that were tangible. It was your A levels that people told you determined your life and you could not stand to be at the bottom.. again.
But you still were, in your eyes, and it hurt. It hurt a lot.
Your idea of success and being good is not that of the next person, which is why you never see yourself as good enough. When they congratulate you, their praises are drowned by the cries of disappointment and regret that fester in your mind.
You tried to turn this around in the summer, you see. You spent more time with God, serving Him in every new way you could, and you were on track. You even started making money, you became more independent. It made you feel freer.
But then results day came and the seemingly settling shore began to grow into waves again. The water that once rocked you steady had now picked you up to throw you against the shore. Again and again. You were left in a spiral of fragile optimism, of confusion and deep, deep hurt.
But you couldn't be angry at God because it's all our fault. Hmm. But you felt yourself get further and further away from God in response to this confusion and you were back at square one.
It's funny, because we also say to people, "the worst thing to have in life is no belief system". That there is no point to life is there is nothing to have hope in, and I now wonder... did we really have that?
Granted, a lot of our dreams came true in the summer but there was always this nagging seed of doubt we accommodated in our mind.
We gave it a key to the house, paid its bills and let the whole family move in.
But it was coming up to university now and you know, positive mindset, new start, all of that. And you tried, you really did.
You got a planner, 10 million pens and highlighters, you joined every society and started applying for law opportunities. Many things did confuse you and you were struggling with things, but you did good. You did really good.
But then time went on and things started to mount on you and you, as you always do, buried it like a treasure chest in the sea. You became numb to how you feel and sort of ran away from you reality. You were in it, but not really your own.
You cared way too much about others, positively and negatively, at the expense of your own well being I guess.
You ignored your random attacks of an increasing heart rate and the other signs because you are so used to bottling your emotions and being the 'fine' one for your friends because they could never get it and, to be honest, didn't really care.
But it wasn't only that, you forget who you were or what it is that you had to become. You forgot almost everything you stood for and who you are in Christ.
We boasted about how there were so many opportunities to serve God at university and we were genuinely excited.
Precious, where did that go?
You were introduced to a new life of temporary fun which you knew could not accommodate your spirit.... and you chose the former over the latter.
You tried to get back on track at times but you could not let go of the feeling of not being worthy enough of forgiveness. You could not stop thinking about how your other pupils were understanding the work and you weren't.
You decided to pack everything in a box and ignore everything.
It was fun, I guess, but it led you into a downwards spiral. A fall that met a painful end.
You thought the best of people and didn't look for any trouble but you still became a topic of conversation, of untrue rumours and even though your friends say it's not that deep, it's affected you ever since.
You don't mean harm but people are loathsome and bored. Don't hold anger towards them though but just pray. Pray that the bad seeds that they are sowing, won't come back to haunt them. No one is evil, we are just ignorant to the feelings of others.
Anyways, you continued to do more and more things that you shouldn't have, indulging in the world and not yourself and God.
And now you can see where that has left you. You are not a pitiable entity so I do not say that cold-heartedly, but we know you messed. That we messed up.
Your actions have left you suffering with panic attacks for a few days, leaving you in regret and wondering what if? Left you with a doctor diagnosing you with "mOdEraTe tO SeVEre AnxIetY AnD DePResSion". (My guy really assessed you by a 5 minute scoring essay, LOL)
We also say how regret is the worst feeling in the world because you can never change the past so can never change that feeling but holding onto the what ifs(?) will simply eat at your brain, remind you of the withered flower you are no longer.
This has all taught you a lesson though. Yes it is a very bad lesson that would've been nicer if it was taught by Ted Talk or something, but nonethless it is a lesson.
Everything you ran to will be waiting for you on the other side and not everything you ran to was good for you.
Erm... I do not really know how to end this but just know I do not hate you and admit maybe I did before. I do not hate you because I feel your power to blossom and evolve. And you will blossom. You will come out of this.
This term has made you face things you were hiding all along and with the help of your friends, family and God, you will pull through these things.
Any ruined reputation you have been afraid of can be fixable once you let people see you for who you really are not what you have allowed yourself to do in this fleeting season.
You are a woman of power, change and enlightenment and you will one day use your story and your qualities to lead others to this same light.
Anyhoos. Positive vibes. Happy. HAPPY. happy.
Yours faithfully,
Precious
(P.S. Bang gym please, you're really unfit)
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