Firstly, welcome to my first blog of one of my writing series, ‘The Mind Series’. For those who don’t know what it is, this writing series will be an introspection into a topic that I am very passionate about. Mental health is something I believe is a spectrum and with that, it is very easy for people who don’t fall on the extreme ends of this spectrum to neglect their mental health. Which is why when our health is not doing so great we take it as a a way of life at the expense of our sanity and well-being. This series will be an exploration of mental health, following a progressive and connected path, where you will be able to see my growth and monitor your own. I look forward to it.
So before I get properly into mental health I want to talk about something that is very linked with it and this is attachment.
Something I have noticed in the relationships around me is that many people depend on others to help them feel better and serve as a distraction from what they are dealing with.
In university, it is very easy to be struck by the 'love island effect', where you are in close and constant contact with someone, which thus accelerates everything and as a result, you skip all steps of friendship and become best friends, sisters, brothers, family, etc.
What many of us tend to is find solutions in others to help us with our mental health, this is usually by:
1. seeking to emulate moments of happiness with others- a way to counteract and distract ourselves from anything negative in our lives
2. controlling the relationship and shaping it into the way you want it: it may that everything in your life feels like it is slipping out of your hands and it is comforting to have agency over something or by controlling said relationship, it gives you an excuse to sustain any toxic quality you have
- it's kind of like, this friend likes me or this friend submits to my negative behaviour so maybe I'm not.. so.. bad?
3. Sometimes it's just that we do not know what to do and we are tired of trying, for once we just want to be taken care of, for once we just want to not have to fight and have peace and sanity at our disposal
Here's the problem with depending on others for healing and growth:
1. Relationships end. Like... that's the tweet.
- Whilst at the time, it seems relieving to have someone as a form of escapism from our mental troubles, when someone serves as an escape and they leave your life, you are back at square one.
What happens then?
Because we are human, we will probably do it again and again, which is why it so easy for someone to feel so lonely, to be plunged into a spiral of constant feelings of hurt and betrayal. Your world is literally leaving you again and again.
- Also, by depending on others we begin to see our self worth and worthiness of happiness through them and so when they leave, we naturally begin to see that as a reflection of our self worth- as one one that is little.
2. Like I mentioned in my previous blog, you begin to expect the world of them and for some, you may begin to take advantage of them
When we depend on others for healing and growth, when they do something that doesn't fall in line with it, we lash out- usually in ways that are hurtful and believe we are justified in doing so
- Our friends were not put in this Earth to be our escape and they do so out of the goodness of their heart and so they can't always get it right
- They can't centre their lives around being your escape especially since it can only be done at their expense of their own well-being
- But because, for most people anyway, they don't want to upset you, they allow you to take pieces from them until there is no more to take
3. Your escape will not and CAN NOT always be there for you
It is a given that we all have lives of our own so when our escape is busy or is hanging out with other people, it is very easy for us to feel like all is lost- that there is nothing you can do in the mean time
- By having a 'human escape', when it is time for us to heal and grow and heal on our own, we are not able to do so
- The time we spent on depending on others, is time that we should've spent on learning how to look after ourselves
We need to understand that life is unexpected, there are many things we can't control and apart from God there is no person or thing that will not change. As a result, we can not afford to depend on others to heal and grow.
I will say, healing and growth is not something that should be done by yourself. Like I always say, even God saw Adam and did not like him to be in isolation and thus made Eve.
Genesis 2:18- "The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
There are things put in place like family, teachers, friends and counselling to help us through our troubles but there are there to enable growth that you have started yourself.
A friend recently told me something that, though I already kind of knew, resonated with me even more when he said it, he said:
"In all honesty, I now know that the only person that can help me is myself"
You are the only person who knows the true extent of what you are going through, the root of it all and what it is you need to do. And it's time we learnt how to depend on ourselves and learn to be our own comfort, alongside God, in times of trouble.
And that is why consecration is so important. Not to be mistaken with isolation, consecration is dedicating yourself to a purpose and in doing this, you remove yourself from people, things and environments that do not enable this. In this instance I am asking you to dedicate yourself to re-assessing your life and learning how to grow and how to heal.
But anyway that's for another blog.
What I am trying to say is that by learning how to stand strong on your own, you will be able to fight through everything, irrespective of what is going on around you.
I personally believe that whilst relationships are to enable growth on both sides, it is more fruitful and healthy if, whilst we are not perfect, two people enter one with an element of independence and self-awareness.
But this isn't about other people, this is about you. If you feel like no one is there for you even though you are always there for them, especially, take this time to focus on yourself. If we took all the energy we put into others into ourselves, we would be unstoppable, unwavered and unmovable forces.
The growth we need, on our way to healing, as young people, is the one that is able to move past first base and that just won't happen if we depend on others.
Growth shouldn't be seen as something that is tedious or something we should fear but rather something that is exciting. On this path look at 'end-of-the-journey' you- the potential you- and don't let go of that sight.
Komentáře